I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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