The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
