Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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