the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
