in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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