Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
