oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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