Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
