Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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