How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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