I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
