I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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