He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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