just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
