Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
where am i from again
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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