pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
