You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
