Sponge bath it is.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
