Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?