i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize