Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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