His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
