you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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