omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
