Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
