New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
