just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
