Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The Olympian is in my bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
