the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
