I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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