I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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