if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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