There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Where is the hickey?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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