The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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