I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Boobs speak an international language.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
