I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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