dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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