I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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