Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
