mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
