I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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