I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
