we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
