you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
