ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
