I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
