i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
