: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
