I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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