i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Alive.
So much puke
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
