im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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