First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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