I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
