I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
