Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
