chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
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It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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