apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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