she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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