I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
