Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
