You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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