She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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